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astrangestormThe queue to return the sim-children stretched all the way down the corridor. Everyone had been sent an approximate time, a two-hour window to stop by, but it seemed that some partnerships were more eager than others to see Project Papa-Mama brought to a close.
They’d left Haumea and the Kuiper Belt behind, were en route to Neptune One, the JSA’s main spacedock and fuel station orbiting the large ice giant. They would remain in spacedock for a week so the ship could fuel up, restock with food and supplies, and prepare for the next round of civilians. The passenger decks were to be cleaned from top to bottom, and Nino was thrilled for a short break. Once they left Neptune One, they would be bringing a handful of passengers along with them, jumping to some of the Saturn science stations for some more, and then another jump to Mars for a handful of “commuters” who were heading back home to Earth. There’d only be about two hundred civilians aboard for this return trip.
Reports so far regarding the Suzaku’s new mission had been, in Captain Inohara’s words, “extremely promising.” JSA top brass had already opened up a new round of advertisements on Earth, offering civilian transport out past the solar system to any interested Japanese parties undertaking new assignments at the Hayabusa Alpha and Beta stations and even beyond them to the young colony of Hikari, known for the beauty of its domed city.
All of that was mostly background noise in Nino’s mind lately. The flight deck had its daily assignments, its daily expectations, and he’d met them head on. The rest of his time had been better spent than usual.
After their chat in the astrometrics lab, Sho had been grateful. Nino hadn’t pushed the issue, hadn’t done anything as foolish as offering his advice on what Sho ought to do with his life. He’d simply talked about himself. Stories from childhood, his parents, his sister and her husband. His niece Tomoko and his nephew Takeru and the Norimono models he’d bought for them in hopes of sparking a new generation of Ninomiya family mechanics.
Despite the jump to Haumea, despite Sho’s usual need to overcrowd his calendar, the last week of Project Papa-Mama had seen a change in him. He set his team to work on the Saturn and Mars jumps early, giving the younger officers more time to plot out various options instead of coming up with most of the ideas himself. Instead of one long night monitoring the Romeo and Juliet telescopes, Sho had instead met Nino in the baseball simulator on deck 14. It wasn’t much more than a handful of batting cages and a 3-D pitching simulator, but they’d had fun, Sho swinging and missing and laughing at himself while telling Nino about all the crazy places he’d been in the solar system and beyond.
Nino had spent more time eating with Sho and Aiba, had been invited along to another soccer practice where Jun had made kissy faces behind Sho’s back, winking in Nino’s direction. Sho had come down to the enlisted decks, had joined him and Ohno for beers and a few rounds of darts in the 8-Ball Lounge.
Sakurai Sho was never going to one hundred percent relax, that much was obvious. But if Nino could get him to seventy percent for a few hours, perhaps even eighty, then maybe that was an achievement all its own.
The thing tying them together, Project Papa-Mama, had finally and mercifully come to a close. One long month of fitful sleep, petty arguments, and priority shifting. Nino was relieved it was over. His attraction to Sho had grown rapidly with each passing day, much as the idea of it still worried him. But it was so easy to be around Sho, to tease him and talk with him. He wondered how things might change now, since they didn’t have as many excuses to meet. Since they didn’t have a bag of rice to hand back and forth multiple times a day.
He and Sho moved steadily ahead, ready to say goodbye to Shota. Lieutenant Matsushima had sent messages through that morning, noting that the top 10 duos with the highest “attentiveness” ranking would be offered prizes. Most suspected that the prizes would be free visits to one of the fancy restaurants or spas on Neptune One, considering the station was the Suzaku’s next stop. Nino wouldn’t mind a fancy massage, but he doubted that he and Sho were going to be winning any awards for their parenting prowess.
They made it to the front of the line, and Sho set the bag down on the table. They also handed over their parenting tablets, though Nino had made sure to erase all their private messages from it first. The staff member scanned Shota one last time, offering them a teasing smile.
“We can cut the bags open and hand over the sensor, in case you want a memento from this project.” The staff member whispered her next remark. “Lieutenant Commander Matsushima didn’t even want hers.”
Sho held up a hand. “I’ll pass.”
“Same here,” Nino agreed, chuckling. Though he’d spent many hours wanting to rip the bag apart and fling Shota’s sensor out an airlock, he thought it would be in poor taste to cut the poor thing open now. He just hoped all the rice would go to a good cause, could feed someone in need. Would that be cannibalism though?
Freed of their extra responsibility, he and Sho headed for the lifts. They’d both been on first shift that day. Nino’s exciting evening plans so far involved catching up on a gaming tournament taking place on Mars that week. He wasn’t sure about Sho’s plans - the parenting calendar hadn’t been filled in after Shota’s departure from their lives.
He held out his hand, inclining his head. “Lieutenant Sakurai, it appears our mission is complete.”
Sho smiled, shaking his hand vigorously, patting him on the shoulder. “And not a minute too soon. I’m looking forward to sleeping through the night again.”
Nino took his hand back, trying to gather up the courage to ask Sho if he had any free time in the next few nights. To his surprise, Sho asked first.
“Do you…it’s nothing important,” Sho murmured, unable to look him in the eye, “I made something. Something to show you. It’s…it’s nothing…”
“Sakurai Sho arts and crafts?” Nino asked. “Have you joined a club on board?”
“No, it’s nothing like that,” Sho said, laughing gently. “It’s a video. I’ve got it on the computer in my quarters. Just a silly little thing. I thought I could show it to you sometime. Or tonight. Or now. I…I don’t care…”
Nino raised an eyebrow, curiosity taking hold. Sho seemed as nervous as Nino felt. What had he even done?
“Now is fine…if that’s okay?”
“It is, it is,” Sho said, tugging on his uniform jacket, a habit of his that Nino had noticed recently. It made him straighten up a little, look more commanding.
He followed Sho to his quarters, and Sho directed him into the bedroom, had Nino sit down in his chair in front of his computer console. Sho brought up a video program.
“You’ll probably think this is stupid.”
“I’ll be sure and let you know if it is,” Nino teased, wondering what it could be.
During one of their chats in the last week, Sho had spoken about some of the trips he’d taken, the ones with his family as well as various excursions he’d done on his own shore leaves from the fleet. He loved to take pictures and video during all of his trips, had shared a few of them with Nino already. Perhaps it was another of those videos.
“Full disclosure,” Sho said, “but I’m sending this to my grandmother. I send her videos like this all the time. About work and things. I can’t send her sensitive fleet information or anything, but she likes seeing me at work. She’s never been away from Earth so…so it means a lot to her. But before I send this, I thought I’d show it to you too.”
“Sure,” Nino answered, feeling rather honored to see something precious Sho had made especially for his grandmother.
Sho pressed play, and Nino sat back, covering his mouth a little at the adorable sight of Sho facing the camera. It looked like he’d just woken up, hadn’t bothered to brush his hair yet.
“Hi Grandma, it’s me! I wanted to tell you all about a special project we’ve had going aboard the Suzaku for the last month!”
Nino nearly snorted, listening to Sho explain Project Papa-Mama in the most glowing, complimentary terms. The things one does to make Grandma’s day.
Sho went on to hold up Shota for the camera, and then the video changed up a little. There was one clip of Sho waking in the middle of the night, turning on the camera and pointing it around the darkened room, finding Shota in the corner.
“You! You keep waking me up!” Video Sho declared. Sho’s language was considerably less colorful than Nino’s had often been in the same situation.
Sho then went on to show a few clips of him taking Shota around the ship. For the first time, Nino was able to see the bridge. Though Sho had done a bit of video editing, blurring out the data on any of the computer screens, Nino was able to see Shota set down on the floor beside Sho’s Navigation station on the bridge.
The bridge had a central control station, a long table similar to the one in the astrometrics lab, with numerous screens. Captain Inohara and XO Nakai were stationed there in the center of the bridge, talking and waving to Sho’s camera. This was apparently not the first time Sho had done a recording for his grandmother while on duty. Sho then provided an explanation of his station and the helm station that flew the ship at sublight speed just beside him. Across the way was the tactical station where Aiba was, waving cheerfully and shouting “Hi Sho-chan’s Grandma!”
After a few more explanations about the bridge crew, the video cut to Sho and Aiba having dinner in the officers’ cafeteria, Magic and Shota sitting between them with the camera set down on the table across from them.
“Two men at dinner with their bag of rice babies,” Aiba was teasing, working through a heaping plate of fried chicken. “Is this what we went to the academy for?”
“Masaki, why don’t you tell Grandma a bit more about your sim-child?”
Sho then leaned over, fast forwarding through the video.
“He just talks and talks,” Sho said, sounding annoyed. “Grandma loves him. Sometimes I think she’d rather I just send a video of Aiba-kun to her.”
Nino chuckled. The video wasn’t stupid as Sho had told him. It was incredibly sweet. Another side to Sho that he wasn’t too embarrassed to let Nino see.
Sho let the video play again, but he grew quiet, moving to sit on the bed behind Nino.
Nino could only watch as Sho narrated another stretch of the video. He was up on the catwalk above the shuttle berths on the flight deck. Chief Okada must have given Sho the okay, but Nino was surprised when Sho started to talk about him.
“Grandma, I haven’t been working by myself to take care of Shota. Everyone on the ship was given a random partner. My partner for this project is Ninomiya Kazunari. He works here on the flight deck. It houses all of our shuttles, which transport people to and from our ship. He’s a mechanic, and he makes sure everything is running smoothly. It’s a tough job, and he works very hard.”
Nino felt his face grow warm, the video camera zooming in on one of the shuttles. Sho had videotaped him without him knowing it. He and Ohno were working on a tune-up of Nori 19, and he was able to see himself through Sho’s eyes for the very first time. He was able to see himself giving Ohno instructions, checking the hull for damage, waving over the fuel crew to get the Nori filled up. Sho must have taken this video just the other day.
The whole time, Sho’s narration continued. Other than their mutual breathing, it was the only sound audible in Sho’s quarters, the calm and steady tones of his voice as he spoke to his grandmother.
“He’s not just a skilled mechanic, but he’s become a very important person in my life. Next time maybe I’ll actually put him in the video, I think you’d like him very much. Kazunari is a very funny person. Maybe the funniest person I know. He’s quick and smart. I’m happy we’ve become friends.”
The video had zoomed in a little more. Nino could barely remember doing so, but he watched himself right there on the video. His hand was on the Norimono’s hull, rubbing with affection. He watched himself smile, absent-mindedly checking things off his work tablet while Ohno headed inside the Nori to do one last check. The video abruptly cut away from the flight deck and the location was back in Sho’s quarters. Sho was facing the camera, holding Shota in his lap, almost hugging him like a pillow.
He was sitting where Nino was sitting right now, in his chair at the computer. His eyes were large, open and honest. His smile was sincere, heartfelt.
He looked perfect.
“We’re fortunate to have someone like Kazunari on our ship. Sometimes it can be very hard to work in space. Sometimes it can be a little lonely. Some days are really busy, and with Project Papa-Mama, we’ve been busier than ever. At times, I even thought about complaining. I even thought about quitting, asking for time off from the project. But if you see the way Kazunari is with the shuttles, I told myself ‘Sho, you can’t give up. He’s found a way to do it. He’s found a way to get it all done.’ Even in the last month when it’s been hard, I’ve had Kazunari by my side, encouraging me, helping me. Even when I didn’t deserve it, he’s been so kind. Grandma, you’d really, really like him and…”
Nino moved his hand forward, stopping the video.
He could hear Sho breathing behind him, a slightly unsteady sound.
Nino took a deep breath of his own, leaving the video paused. “Permission to speak with you off the record, Lieutenant?”
Sho’s voice was mostly a rasping whisper. “Granted…”
“If I turn around in this chair, what’s going to happen?”
The silence in Sho’s quarters made Nino’s heart pound. Nino usually preferred to get straight to the point. But with Sho…with Sho he somehow couldn’t manage it. It had never been like this with anyone else.
“That depends.”
All this time, Nino had been struggling, fighting his attraction. Maybe all this time, Sho had been feeling the same way. Everything about it was a huge risk, but the video to Grandma didn’t lie. He could hear it in Sho’s voice. Each “Kazunari” he’d heard in the video had shaken him, the sound of his name on Sho’s tongue sending a wave of heat through him.
All he had to do was turn around. Turn around, give in. Look into Sho’s eyes and see if he’d read the situation correctly.
“That depends?” he somehow managed to repeat back, catching the barest outline of Sho reflected in the computer screen, the shape of him behind him, still sitting on the bed.
Waiting.
“That depends on what, Lieutenant?”
“The astrometrics lab,” Sho mumbled, “I…I brought you there to talk. I couldn’t get my words out. At least not the ones I’d really meant to say.”
Instead Sho had spoken of his failures, with Project Papa-Mama. With wanting to fulfill the goals he’d set for himself, a career and family. Nino swallowed hard, realizing he wasn’t alone in this fear, this uncertainty. Sho had been meaning to confess his attraction. Hadn’t he?
Nino looked at the shape of Sho behind him again, his slumped posture. A clear contrast from the confident Sho who was actually on the screen, paused midway through a sincere message for his grandmother.
“When did you first realize it?” he asked, staying still in the chair, unable to move. Unable to turn.
“When we jumped to Jupiter. When you brought Shota in for the…check-up or whatever it was. It was just so…I don’t know. Cute doesn’t seem to cover the whole of it.” Sho’s quiet laughter was pure warmth, wrapping around Nino as gently as a blanket. “Or maybe it was earlier than that. One day I just…”
Nino interrupted him, as he’d grown so fond of doing. He turned in Sho’s chair, barely registering the surprise in Sho’s face as he got up, took the one step that he couldn’t take back.
He bridged the distance that remained, Sho’s legs moving instinctively apart as he allowed Nino to stand between them. He lifted his hands, and upon encountering no resistance, he held Sho’s round, boyish face between them. Sho sat there, still in his duty uniform, staring up at him. His eyes were dark, a mix between nervous hope and suppressed need.
He stroked his left thumb downward, brushing along Sho’s mouth. Sho’s eyes closed, his plump lower lip trembling at the contact.
Nino gave in, replacing his thumb with his mouth. He bent down, pressing his lips to Sho’s and praying he wouldn’t live to regret it. To help out, Sho straightened up a little, tilting his face up to meet Nino’s demands. Sho’s mouth was soft, warm, everything he’d wanted and yet nothing he’d expected.
Sho let him dictate the pace, sitting so obediently on the edge of his mattress, returning Nino’s kiss without pushing for more. Instead Sho brought his hands to the back of Nino’s thighs, a gentle pull against the fabric of his jumpsuit. Steadying him, unable to keep from touching him.
He stopped, taking his mouth away, standing up straight again and looking at Sho’s face in his hands. The grin Sho was wearing was one of encouragement. Nino had just kissed his superior officer, and god, he needed to do it again. He released him, taking a half-step back, letting Sho’s hands slide up the back of his thighs, over his ass, one warm palm pressing against his spine as he got to his feet.
Instead of bending down, now Nino had to look up. He brought his hand up to the back of Sho’s head, fingers tangling in his hair. Before he closed his eyes, he saw Sho smile. And then they were kissing again, figuring things out as they went along. Which way to move, to tilt their heads. He heard Sho chuckle when their noses bumped.
Sho pulled him closer, letting out a soft little noise of pleasure that made Nino weak in the knees. It was so simple a thing, kissing someone, but it was Sho he was kissing, Sho who was holding him tighter, Sho who was coaxing Nino’s lips apart to explore further with his tongue.
“Incoming audio call from Lieutenant Aiba Masaki.”
Sho moaned a complaint, and Nino let him go. But before he could step back, Sho was holding him tighter, pulling him back, demanding more. He definitely could get used to this side of Sakurai Sho.
“Incoming audio call from Lieutenant Aiba Masaki.” The computer wasn’t really reading the mood in the room, was it?
“I’ll kill him,” Sho whined.
Nino finally managed to detangle himself from Sho’s demanding hands, turning them both forcibly so he could shove Sho down into the chair at his desk. “It’s an audio call. He can’t see us.”
“I don’t have to answer! I outrank him, you know,” Sho protested.
“No, you don’t,” Nino shot back.
“I was made a Lieutenant before he was. So there.”
Nino moved to stand behind him, barely able to suppress his laughter. He could see Aiba’s ID photo had popped up on the computer screen, covering the lower corner of Sho’s precious video to Grandma. “Answer him, Sho-san.”
Sho cleared his throat, his right leg shaking nervously as he spoke. “Accept incoming audio call.”
“Hey! Sho-chan! Are we still on for dinner?”
Nino watched Sho’s shoulders slump, and he couldn’t keep from resting his hands there, squeezing gently. He was surprised, though, when Sho reached across his body, moving to grab Nino’s hand, their fingers intertwining.
“Yeah,” Sho said, and Nino was surprised by how calm he sounded, even as his knee kept moving up and down, impatient. “Yeah, we’re still on, why?”
Aiba’s voice was a bit hesitant. “I just…in case you’re busy…”
Sho muted the call. “Am I?”
“Are you…?”
Sho turned slightly, looking up at him with a wicked twinkle in his eye. “Busy?”
“Go have dinner,” Nino ordered. Sho had made plans with Aiba, and even if he was whining about it now, Sho liked his schedules. Nino had at least discovered that much about him in the last month.
“Hey Sho-chan, are you still there?”
Sho unmuted it. “Yeah, I’ll see you. 1900 hours.”
“Okay great! Hi Nino, bye Nino!”
Aiba ended the call before Sho could, and Nino put his hand over his mouth, hiding a snicker as Sho turned bright red in embarrassment. Nino put his other hand to his chest, feeling the cold, familiar metal of his dog tag under his clothes. It wasn’t really true that Aiba couldn’t “see” them - running a check on their current location, any member of the crew could do that…
Project Papa-Mama was over. Anyone running a check at that exact moment would see that Crewman Specialist Ninomiya was in Sho’s quarters for no logical reason.
“Well that’s…” Sho mumbled, coming to the same realization. “…that’s not something I thought about.”
“Sho-san, we have a lot of things to think about.” Nino backed away, gathering all his willpower to keep from going any further with Sho. At least not today. “Enjoy your dinner.”
Sho turned in his chair, fluttering his fingers to say goodbye. “We have a lot of talking ahead of us, too, don’t we?”
Nino called back to him from the other room, pausing before pressing the button to open Sho’s door. “A lot of talking. And maybe…a lot of not talking.”
“I look forward to it.”
Me too, he thought without saying it aloud, turning and heading into the corridor, unable to hide his smile.
—
“God, you stink!” Nino complained as Sho pressed him against the wall of his quarters.
Nino had somehow made it through another of the Flyboys’ soccer practices. Watching Sho run and run and run, all energy and athleticism, Nino had barely held it together. He’d almost pressed the emergency stop on the lift back up to deck 4, desperate to touch him, to kiss him. But they’d made it safely to Sho’s quarters without causing a scene. Nobody needed to catch a bridge officer humping a crewman in the corridor.
But now that they were back in Sho’s quarters, he was kind of wishing the Flyboys’ “Super Striker” (Sho’s words, not Nino’s) had hit the showers first.
“You complain and complain,” Sho replied, ignoring him and kissing all along his neck, those magic lips of his trailing heat with every brush of his mouth.
It was the first time they’d seen each other in person in four days. Between senior staff meetings, Sho’s departmental cross-training, his navigation team dinner, and his billion other commitments, they hadn’t been able to match schedules until now. Sho’s invite had come with conditions - that they “have a chat” about “the current situation” - but Nino wondered if they were going to get to that point at all.
While Sho focused on his current areas of interest, namely laying claim to Nino’s neck, the length of his jaw, Nino decided he’d just have to put up with Sho’s slick, sweaty skin. A hassle, to be sure.
He grabbed Sho’s ass through his shorts, hearing him sigh in reply just by his ear, squeezing possessively before moving up to his waistband and slipping his hand inside to touch the real deal. It was firm, tight, totally perfect.
“I noticed this right away,” Nino admitted, patting his ass affectionately.
Sho’s teeth nibbled gently on his earlobe. “Not my winning personality?”
“I still haven’t noticed that, if such a thing exists.”
Sho growled a little in protest, shutting Nino up with a kiss that stole his breath. He was stuck where he was, the wall behind him, Sho before him. They were both wearing too many clothes. Resigning himself to his trapped status, unwilling to let the opportunity go to waste, he pulled Sho closer still, grinding against him. He grinned against Sho’s mouth, finding that Sho was already hard.
“When’s the last time you fucked someone, Lieutenant?” Nino asked, pulling his mouth away to whisper in Sho’s ear.
Sho reached behind himself and yanked Nino’s hand out of the back of his soccer shorts. “From the very first day,” he said, his voice low, almost predatory. “From the very first day, I’ve had to put up with the way you speak to me.”
Nino just stayed where he was, breathing heavily as Sho took a step back. He could tell that Sho liked it, liked the way Nino spoke to him, even when it bordered on disrespectful. “I would apologize, sir, but it wouldn’t be all that sincere.”
Sho laughed, standing there without shame, his erection still tenting his dark shorts a little even as they stood apart. “To answer your question, about a year. Maybe…eleven months, now that I think about it.”
“A year?” Nino exclaimed. He pointed at Sho, moving his finger up and down, up and down, pointing at his chest, his stomach, the outline of his cock in his shorts, gesturing at the whole of him. “Nobody’s gotten to enjoy any of that for a whole year?”
Sho rolled his eyes. “I’ve been working a lot.”
Nino shook his head. “Well, if you’d like me to help you break that eleven month streak, I would kindly ask you to wash up a little first.” He pointed once again to Sho’s slowly diminishing erection. “I watched you run yourself ragged on that field the whole night, Mr. Super Striker. Your probable ball sweat situation right now lessens my enthusiasm.”
“That is just about the unsexiest thing someone has ever said to me.”
“I’m a mechanic. When a Nori’s low on fuel, you fuel her up. You identify the problem or the current need and you fix it. I don’t really treat humans that differently. Your problem right now is that you stink. So hit the shower.” Nino moved, brushing shoulders with Sho as he walked past him, heading for the small bathroom. “I can help, if there’s enough room for me to join you. You bridge officers get all the perks, you must have a huge shower in here…”
Sho was quicker than he anticipated, grabbing him by the back of his off-duty jacket. “Nino.”
He turned, already expecting it. Sho looked a little embarrassed, and what he said next didn’t surprise Nino at all.
“We can’t sleep together.”
Nino leaned against the bathroom doorframe. “Because you outrank me.”
“Because all bridge officers are required to disclose personal relationships if they’re with other members of the crew. Your rank has nothing to do with it. Mine does. I could be accused of favoritism if you get a promotion, any other privileges, anything based on my word. I have to disclose it, recuse myself if I’m asked to evaluate you or your work. I know we’re not in the same sort of positions aboard, but it is what it is. Standard procedure.”
Nino grinned, trying to stay calm. “Then disclose it tomorrow. I don’t see you being asked to evaluate my work in the next few hours. Well, not my work on the flight deck anyway…”
“Nino,” Sho said, a warning edge to his voice.
He wasn’t ready. God, he knew he wasn’t ready for what Sho wanted to say. Sho, who had a plan for his life. “Tonight…it doesn’t have to mean anything yet, Sho-san.”
Sho’s face had grown more serious. He leaned against his computer chair, holding on tight. “That’s just it though. Call me old-fashioned, call me boring, but I don’t do casual. It’s fine if you do, it really is, but I just…don’t.”
Nino said nothing, wishing he hadn’t pushed Sho in this direction so fast. They could have still been playing grab ass in the other room. He could have still been enjoying the wonder that was Sho’s mouth, sliding along his jaw.
“I haven’t had sex in eleven months because I haven’t been in a relationship in eleven months. For me, those two things go together. The person I was with, he left the fleet for a civilian job. We broke up, these things happen. But we’d been serious for over two years. That’s who I am, okay?”
“Okay…okay, I get what you…”
“What I’m saying is…” Sho could barely look at him. “What I’m saying is that I want more than just a casual thing with you. We haven’t known each other for very long, but I like you. I like you a lot and…”
“You want a family,” Nino said, feeling like a wall was being built between them, brick by brick.
Sho’s eyes widened. “I…Nino, that’s not what I said…”
“But Sho-san, it is what you said. It’s what you said in the astrometrics lab. It’s what you’ve been aiming for. You’re not quite there yet, having work and having family, but it’s your dream. It’s your goal.” Nino put a hand to his heart, wishing this wasn’t how the evening was ending. “Sho-san, it’s your goal, but it’s not mine.”
“Nino…”
“I’ve known you for a month, I saw you every single day for a whole god damned month, and I like you. I like you so much, it kind of disgusts me.” Sho’s expression didn’t change, so he decided to drop the cute comments. “Family, I have never been aiming for that. Getting married, having kids someday. I’m not one hundred percent opposed to it, but then again, if you get to know me better, you’ll discover that I’m not one hundred percent opposed to a lot of things. I don’t shut a lot of doors for good, but I’m also slow to warm up to ideas that don’t interest me. Sho-san, you set rules and goals for yourself. It’s who you are. I don’t do that. I can’t do that. You’re looking for someone, the right someone, who is going to help get you where you want to be. And I’m not sure that person is me.”
Sho looked a little annoyed now. “I’m not asking you to marry me, for god’s sake.”
“But you are asking me to put a word to what we have so that you can ‘disclose’ it properly. You want a definition, you want a firm rule, you want a standard procedure. You want to put me on the schedule that is Sakurai Sho’s life. You want to carve out a block for Kazunari the Relationship, you want something that you understand. I am not you. I do not operate the same way!”
“I wasn’t…I’m not asking…”
“But that’s where this will lead, isn’t it?” Nino stepped forward, resting his hand on Sho’s forearm, squeezing gently. “Isn’t it? Sho-san, I’m not mad at you. I’m just trying to be honest with you. I don’t want you to be hurt, and I don’t want you to misunderstand. I’ve never really done the dating thing. But if that’s what would make you happy, taking a step back and slowing things way down, that’s…that’s something I can probably do. I like you enough to sit through soccer, you know.”
Sho stayed rigidly still, his smile having long since vanished.
“I’m willing to try, I really am. I just…I’ve never been the type of guy anyone would want to…disclose.” He took his hand away, and it hurt more than he expected when Sho didn’t try to tug him back. “I want you to go into this with both eyes open. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Not for a certainty, which is why all I can do is try. I don’t promise, Sho-san. I just try. So think about what you really want and if I fit that criteria in the long run. Take your time. I’m a recent transfer to this ship, after all, so it’s not like I’m going anywhere.”
When he met Sho’s eyes, he finally saw understanding. Not quite disappointment, which was what Nino had expected, but the look he received wasn’t altogether promising.
“Well,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “You know where to find me.”
“Yeah,” Sho mumbled.
Nino turned and walked away, leaving without another word. Sho had wanted to “have a chat.”
He’d gotten his wish.
—
He hopped down from the wing, boots hitting the deck hard.
“And was it the transponder?” Jun asked.
Nino held up the offending item, a shorted wire that he’d just replaced. This particular one had been part of Jun’s transponder, the device that told other ships that his vessel was friendly, not part of a pirate fleet. Nino doubted that anyone would confuse a JSA Kitsune for a hostile target, especially with the skills Jun had in the cockpit, but it had to be switched out regardless.
“I would have caught it anyway,” Nino said, pulling out his tablet.
“I know you would have,” Jun said, walking alongside him as Nino made his final checks. Jun just liked to be proactive. And Jun also liked to be right.
“Can you stand it, a week off?”
Once they docked at Neptune One, the Suzaku’s Kit pilots were largely off duty, save for an emergency rotation, one pilot suited up and waiting in the ready room if necessary. JSA had its own squadron of Kits to patrol the airspace around the station. Jun ran his hand along his Kit’s hull. “If I’m bored, I can get in the simulator. And in the simulator I can actually, you know, shoot stuff.”
It had been ages since Jun had gotten to see combat. The Kit pilots on the Suzaku were nothing more than glorified bodyguards, flying alongside, scouting ahead for trouble. Nino personally had no interest in getting into a situation that required the firing of any weaponry, nor did he much like the idea of anyone shooting at Jun. But he could still sympathize with Jun’s rather dull assignment. It was a new age for the JSA, a much more peaceful time.
“Your buddy was really annoying at practice last night,” Jun decided to remark, trying to get a reaction. “He was distracted. He couldn’t make one good shot so we finally just moved his ass to defense.”
They were one day out from docking at Neptune One, and Nino hadn’t seen or spoken to Sho in almost a week. Not since that disastrous night after Sho’s last soccer game. Nino had said what he’d needed to say, had been honest with Sho. It was really up to Sho if he wanted to pursue something.
A week’s silence had told Nino Sho’s answer pretty decisively.
“I don’t have a buddy,” Nino said, trying not to let his disappointment show as he worked his way down his checklist. After four long weeks of seeing Sho in some capacity every single day, his abrupt absence had left Nino feeling empty. Lonely.
“I’m sorry,” Jun teased, “I must need my vision checked. Because the last time you came for our practice, you and Sho-kun were eye fucking each other from across the field.”
Nino tightened his grip on his tablet. Sho had scored a goal in that game, pointing to Nino during his celebrations.
Jun kept running his mouth. “Haven’t known the guy very long, but he’d been playing a whole lot better since you came to watch. I just figured you couldn’t make it yesterday, so when I asked him if you were his good luck charm, he ignored me. And then when he played like complete shit, it made me curious.”
“Jun-kun,” Nino warned him, but Jun was in the mood to tease.
“Aww, what’s the matter? Trouble in paradise already?”
“Lieutenant Matsumoto, if you don’t have any other concerns about your Kit, then I’m going to need just one more minute, and I’ll clear you to fly.” He looked up, meeting Jun’s curious expression with what he hoped was a neutral one of his own. “Okay?”
Jun seemed shocked. Usually he was the one who wanted to cut down on the small talk, telling Nino to just shut up and clear him already. “Understood.”
Nino let Jun head off for the ready room, where he’d grab his flight helmet and any other gear he needed for his patrol. From there he’d board the Kitsune, flight deck crew wheeling the Kit over to one of the launch tubes. After his final pre-flight check, the tube would propel him out into space, away from meddling with Nino any further today.
Once Jun was out on his patrol, Nino’s shift was over. He cleaned up in the locker room, heading back to his quarters. Ohno had been trying to get him to meet him for darts the last several nights, but Nino had simply begged off, lying about some game on the Net that was occupying his time of late.
Instead he’d spent most of the last week sitting around, remembering how good it had felt to have Sho’s hands on him, how good it had been to kiss him. Wondering if Sho would ever contact him again. Hell, he’d even hoped that Aiba would intervene at some point, showing up for another “Sho-chan needs you” kind of pep talk.
No calls, no messages. No Aiba.
He’d get over it, in time, the relationship that had floundered before it had even started. Because Nino was Nino and because Sho was Sho and they wanted different things. They did want different things, didn’t they? Nino had offered to try, to try his best to take things slowly, an offer he’d never felt like making before. Then again, nobody had ever expected anything from him before. Nobody had ever thought about him as anything more than a fun time, a good lay, and Nino himself had perpetuated that image.
He’d never wanted anything too serious. Because he’d never wanted to get in too deep and then feel like he couldn’t back out.
He entered his quarters in a fog of confusion, the same fog that had surrounded him the last several days. When he’d told himself that it was all up to Sho. When he’d told himself that Sho deserved someone who could run with him to that distant goal. That goal where he was Captain Sakurai Sho with a ship to command and a family to love.
For the first time in more than a week, Nino thought about Shota, all those times he’d had Shota here overnight so that Sho could rest, so that Sho could jump the ship safely in the morning. The sacrifices Nino had made, even when it wasn’t really fair. He’d complained, but he’d done it just the same.
But that had been a nonsense project, a month-long experiment. Being with Sho in the long run, what would he have to sacrifice? And what would Sho be willing to compromise on in return?
He unlaced his boots, kicking them off. He unzipped his jumpsuit, tugged it off. By the time he came back from dinner, from his bath, there was a blinking message on his computer. He sat down, discovering that it was an audio message that Sho had left only minutes earlier.
He dreaded pressing play. Sho was a proper sort of person. Maybe he was officially letting Nino know it was best they didn’t see each other. Or maybe it was best they stay friends, though Nino wondered if that would even be possible after what had happened. But he couldn’t sit there wallowing in all the what ifs and maybes.
He leaned forward, playing back the message.
“Hey Nino, it’s me.”
Nino shut his eyes, realizing just how badly off he was, if the sound of Sho’s voice after a week felt so familiar, so comforting, no matter what he had to say.
“I’m sorry we left things where we did last week. You were honest and upfront with me, and I appreciated it. I really did, even though I couldn’t seem to respond to you. I have to admit that nobody’s ever really…nobody’s ever really been that honest with me. At least so early on. It’s easy to just jump in, let your heart do the driving and not your head. What you said about me, almost every word, it was true. About what my expectations are, in the long run, about what I’d have probably demanded and expected from you.”
He sat back in his chair, enjoying the surprising steadiness to Sho’s voice.
“Until now, I’ve been a person who wanted a definitive answer. I’ve been a person who deals in certainties. For everything. A readout from a telescope. Entering jump coordinates in our simulator. Because in my job, I can’t fuck up. But just because that’s my job doesn’t mean I have to be that rigid or inflexible in my personal life. All these years, Nino, I told myself I can’t be with someone who isn’t on the exact same wavelength as me. And you know what, all that really means in the end is that what I’ve been looking for in a partner is a clone of myself. And that’s why I haven’t been able to get where I thought I’d be by this point in my life.”
He crossed his arms, hugging himself a little. He wished Sho was here, telling him this in person, but perhaps Sho didn’t yet have the courage to.
“Since we’ve met, you’ve been a person who challenges the way I think. You’ve helped me, more than I can even say. What I need to do is stop expecting the person I go out with to be the person I start a family with by a certain date. What I need to do is live a life that doesn’t have everything plotted ahead of time. With a jump we plot ahead of time, but we have alternatives. We have to have alternatives. And I think, Nino, that I have to give myself alternatives, too.”
He was a little embarrassed to feel tears rolling down his cheeks, listening to Sho speak so sincerely.
“I like you way too much to give up. I’m not going to be perfect, and I need you to remind me of that. You already said you’d be willing to try. No promises. Just that you’d try. And that’s more than enough. We dock at Neptune One tomorrow around 1100 hours. I know you’ll be on the flight deck for first shift. There’s a restaurant I like on the station, it’s on deck 3 over there. It’s called Star of the Sea King, they’ve got an all you can eat shellfish special…”
Nino couldn’t help laughing. Sho liked to eat.
“Once we dock, I’ll probably head over to the station right away, I’ve got a friend from the academy who works in engineering there. But I made a reservation for 2 at the restaurant at 1800 hours. If you’d like to come, that’s where I’ll be. So um…if you don’t come, there’s no hard feelings. You’ve said how you feel, and now I have too. Tomorrow, 1800 hours. Good night, Nino.”
The message ended, and Nino took a deep breath. He knew exactly where he’d be the following day at 1800 hours. There was no doubt in his mind.
Part Six
